Denials and Rushes

It's been a roller coaster since I last wrote, sadly I fell out of the habit of writing, I wish I hadn't. Oh well, can't change it now. I have been a little reflective lately... I wonder why I want so much to experience things that I know I will get in time anyways. I often wonder what would have happened though, if I hadn't been in such a hurry to know the difference in being baptized, and not. Would I have let my heart harden in my journey to make sure it was a logical thing to do, instead of the thing that felt right. Lately it has been another realm and I found my mind wandering. Part of it is definitely being at BYU-I, and seeing everyone moving on in life with marriage and graduation. They all went through the point I'm at, they were all single, and less than half done with their major, and not able to pay bills, or wondered from one semester to the next where the money was going to come from. I wonder when I became that person, that wants to move on, and get married and start life new. And at the same time I wonder if I'm able to do that. To be done already, to have someone to take care of, and choose now who it is I should intend to grow old with. With in itself scares me. Growing old, and still being content with life. It's enough to be a little overwhelming to think about at this point, not to mention the retarded financial situation I've put myself in with my car, and not keeping a register. And trying to get ahead on rent by paying $600 in a month instead of $140 like normal. Then, there is trying to figure out school, going the way that I am right now and finishing the business major within 8 semesters is doable, but with my minor, and internship. It's a lot. I'm really tired just thinking about it all! I just had to get that out at this point, get my thoughts out somehow. The end!